Not sure why I'm saying this now but I for some reason felt like this should be said. I'd just like to say that I don't claim to be a writer. I do write this blog and sometimes scribble a few things down in a notebook but I wouldn't call myself a writer, at least not in the sense of how I think of what writers are.
In my mind when I think of what a writer is I think of someone who has a little ticker tape machine constantly spewing out ideas in their head. There is no off button for this machine and the only known power source for it is the person themselves. My boyfriend is a writer because when I look at him I can sometimes catch glimpses of that little ticker tape machine running in the back of his mind when he sees things that spark ideas in him. Writers are the people who can take the nonsense inside their heads and make it into something people can read and understand and enjoy.
I don't think I have one of those machines. If I do mine isn't constantly running and only likes to work in sporadic bursts where it just kinda pukes up the information all over me at once to the point where I can't really make sense of any of it and end up ignoring half of it or losing the ideas. Maybe mine is just different and I just need an adjustment. Maybe it's because my machine also has the theatre function on it. It thinks of how to creatively organize this pile of clothes so I can hand them to the actor in a way that will get things done the quickest, or how to put cues into a prompt book so they can be called off in a way that is quick and efficient. Theatre is all about efficiency backstage. Is writing that way too? If I could combine the little bits of writing my machine spews with the amounts of theatre and crafting my mind wants to do I think it would be perfect.
I will say that this blog has definitely helped me creatively as far as writing is concerned. However, sometimes I just feel like I shouldn't be doing this because I can't classify myself as a writer. Maybe I'm just hoping to take this blog thing a bit more seriously but in order to do that I'd have to change myself into someone who takes writing more seriously. Not that I don't take it seriously because I do. I'm a reformed grammar nazi and I hate when I put out blogs that don't have anything worth reading in them. It's not a case of taking it serious, I guess; it's more committing to the idea of being one. I'm really not sure if this is making any sense.
You know what. Maybe I already am a writer and I'm just afraid to admit or say it. I'm just not sure I'm ready to title myself with that. I don't want to step on peoples toes. Those toes of people who write for a living. To say "I'm a writer and I can do all those things you do." because I can't. People are waaaaay more talented than me. I just hope for a glimmer of what they have.
I've done so much thinking about writers lately with Ray Bradbury passing away and other events. These people who write such inspiring stories and give the best advice about life. I want to be like them. As Neil Gaiman said in his speech I wrote about blogs ago; "make good art". I want to make good art in all forms and I think writing might be one of them, but I think it'll only be from the safety of my own notebook for awhile. Well, besides in the form that I do on here, but this blog is pretty informal I think.
Just putting any type of writing out there is pretty terrifying and that's why it's nice to hide behind the cover of 'I'm not a real writer' to avoid critique. Everyone wants their work to be accepted and enjoyed but everyone has to face the critics too.
In the end I'm just afraid to be. Chad is still the writer in this relationship and I am more than happy to just wait until I feel comfortable being one myself.
Man this blog post just got super deep. This is what happens when I have too much time backstage during a show and can consider things like this. I think I'm just going to stop typing or I might just continue to babble on and on about this.
Goodnight.
